I should start this post with a heavy trigger warning about eating disorders and mental health. It's been years since I saw this quote on Twitter but it's one that stayed with me... "teaching someone to be a perfect diabetic is akin to teaching someone to have an eating disorder."Sounds a bit drastic, I know. As a type one diabetic, I have to measure every single thing that passes my lips. Every. Single. Thing. There is an undeniable amount of hard work and maths that goes into controlling blood glucose.
We do this with everything, even drinks. Caffeine can effect BG just as much as a plate of fruit for some people. There aren't really any rules, everyone is different. The hardest thing about diabetes can be the inconsistency. There are so many factors going into what controls our BG, all we can do is a series of guestimating until we find something that works and keep trialling it. Aim of the game? To try and reduce the fluctuations in our BG. We want it to look more like this... And less like this... Which, in some ways, is quite an unrealistic goal. Yes, it is achievable and with a lot of hard work you could find yourself with graphs looking like a muggle. However, pining for this result day in and day out can end up eating away at your soul. The pressure of achieving perfect diabetes control can massively affect our mental health. I was in two minds whether to write about this as haven't been diagnosed with an eating disorder. I have friends who have been through a lot worse than I have and in a way, my story seems irrelevant. But that got me thinking, maybe this is why I should tell my story...
As with any of my blogs, I open up with the hopes of helping other people feeling the same way.
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2018 was not my year.
Don't worry, this isn't a "new year, new me" promise. (Because it's almost February now). The things I've been through in the last 12-18 months would make some great content. Ranging from the things people can relate to on a daily basis, right down to 'you can't even dream that s*** up'. I want to blog about it, believe me. But for now, I can't. To be cliche, I've had some of my highest highs and lowest lows. (Glucose and mental health alike). I've been stuck in this pit of self-loathing, anxiety and stress for way too long. I took my time but I'm feeling fresh and I'm ready to tackle the world again. I want to start blogging again and re-introduce myself to the land of #gbdoc. So, I apologise for my absence and I hope you'll welcome me back with open arms. "Don't think too much, just do what makes you happy". - #DFTE It was an average school day. I was about 9 years old and on my way to class.
(I say normal, I used to go home for lunch so my mom could inject and feed me. I didn't live far away and I'd be back in time for the 'end of lunch' bell to ring.) We sat down for our science lesson, which just so happened to include watching a video about diabetes and the history of pig insulin. The presenter made a false statement about 'diabetics being overweight'. My classmates looked at me and sniggered. I was a chubby 9 year old. I felt awful. I was heartbroken and I was ashamed. At nine years old, I was ashamed of being me. I was ashamed of living with an illness I couldn't control. From that day on, I've had to defend myself about my diabetes. I'm lying in bed, it's 03:32am. I woke up with that crappy taste in my mouth. I woke up with that bead of sweat on my neck.
I've woken up like this many times in the past. I have a sip to drink, go to the toilet and back to bed. Except now I have my best pals Omnipod and Libre. I scan myself, 18.1 still, it's been high for about 5 hours and is refusing to come down. I check my insulin on board, 0.00u, and pump some more insulin in to me. Let's hope this one works, can't be bothered with another pod change. That sounds ridiculous doesn't it? I "can't be bothered" to change this little box which keeps me alive. When you have to change this box every (give or take) 72 hours, life flies by. Every 3 days I say the same thing, "Bloody hell!? It's been 3 days again... ALREADY?!". I mean, life went fast before but now it's hypersonic. When your life is a constant string of numbers, it's easy to put yourself down.
You're constantly told to be within such strict guidelines. Reality is, diabetes is too damn hard to be in those guidelines 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. It's easy to get sucked in to a tight vortex of diabetes numbers. Glucose readings, carb ratios, correction doses. It's numbers, numbers, numbers. I find it waaaay too easy to put myself down over bad blood sugars. I find it way too easy to put myself down about anything, to be honest. So I'm taking a moment to reflect on the positives... I started pump therapy just over a week ago. It's a funny thing to go through, swapping from multiple daily injections to a pump. I still have moments when I think it's really weird not having to inject but I'm also very grateful. I already feel 100% better about myself and my blood sugars. Within days I could see the improvement and I was so excited to start this 'new diabetic life' of mine.
I don't get directly tweeted very often, so when I do... I have a bit of a mild panic.
'Oh crap, what did I write this time?!'
I sometimes use Tumblr to release diabetes related stress. Usually it's during the very thing I am ranting about, so it's typed quite manically to get my point across. Let's face it, not one of my Tumblr posts is a thought out piece of writing. (Hence why I'm trying to make a more sophisticated blog... ish). And as it turns out, this was the post... |